The Sanctum Complex
Welcome to the blog for the somewhat dysfunctional family that is The Sanctum Complex. We're a system of howmanymembersagain, and this is our blog.
23/4/2020 0 Comments Oh yeah, about that...There's more than one thing I feel like writing here, but I think I'll save some of them for my private blog. Well, "private". Anyway, this is Taru speaking, and I'm here to talk about the headmates. Again. Here we go. This is pretty much a continuation of my two latest posts, developments and a struggle. So I've been thinking a bit further about the headmates. Not actively, but it's popped into my thoughts then and now. So firstly, Lucifer seems to have made a reappearance (is that a real term?). So I guess we're four now if we aren't counting the kids, which we should. So that makes ten. Back to the marvelous number of ten. It makes me a bit melancholy to think about the past with the system. But I'm also wondering if maybe the past was just a learning experience, and the ones that are here now are the more prominent and developed ones that will stay longer. Not that I'm not still hoping that the others will come back someday. As I'm thinking about it though, I realize that it's completely unfair. I'm basically a complete ass toward Lucifer, and that's not something he should have to deal with. I mean, the door is always left open, of course, but still. I should be more open and friendly toward him. More welcoming. I'm pretty sure it was my borderline neglect that made him take his leave in the first place. But that also makes me wonder.. Why did he come back? And why did he walk in from the very start? The second topic has more to do with potential new headmates than old ones, but it's still kind of the same region. Anyway, so I said I had these thoughts of consideration for Tony Stark, and yes, that's still a thing. But I've also been thinking about other people. Fictional people, but still people. And that people (it's called a person, you idiot) is no one else than whatshisnameagain? That guy. Ohyeah, I got it. The character from Naruto that keeps saying everything is troublesome. Shikamaru something something, I'll have to look up his full name. I'm just saying, but I think he's cool, and we would probably agree on a lot of things. I'm lazy, he's lazy, and we could just laze around on the couch or something. But also, for the longest time now, I've been wondering if we should take in a more feminine character. Because currently in the system, we're pretty much-- No, we're literally all males or ungendered. (Do they even have any genitals??) And the first person I think about is not actually fictional. It's another youtuber, because why would I consider someone else, lmao. And her name is Molly Burke. Blind girl, which is cool btw. She's awesome, and I'm pretty sure I look up to her in some way. But I've also had this weird thought that I'd want to have a headmate that's mute and would need to communicate through either sign language or other gestures. But I think that's more the author me speaking rather than actually wanting that as a headmate. I don't know, it feels a bit unfair and not right. I mean, you shouldn't purposefully create a mute tulpa, should you? It feels kinda cruel. Getting back to Molly, I'm not sure if it would be fair to take her in either, seing that we've gotten started on this whole transitioning journey thing. (More about that on my personal blog). And if she were to have complexity issues or something, she might not like the body. After transitioning, I mean. Does she have any thoughts about her body? That's such a weird thing to ask, but it's a relevant question for this topic. One thing that's certain is that I'm still Taru, even with my subsystem switches and kins and whatever else. Stephen is still here, and my kids are here and I love them all to bits. Lucifer is also here now, and if he decides to stay, I'll have to collect my shit and actually hang out with him and be nice to him. There's a bit more things on that topic, but I'll take that in a different blog. For now, this is just about new and old headmates, and I think I'm finished talking about it, which means this is the end of this blog. *anticlimatic confetti* Yeah, so I'll see you next time (: Chiao!
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I thought about writing a different post instead of this one, but I think there's something I have to take care of first, which is another update about the members of the system. This post will kind of tie in with the catch up post I made at the start of March. First things first, we've decreased a bit more in number. I'm here (Taru), Stephen is here, our kids of course; and Ounos is here. Hamtaru is supposedly hanging out with Ounos a lot, but I haven't heard anything from them personally in a few weeks now. Amani seems to have taken his leave as well, which I'm actually pretty upset about. I remember he seemed bored lately, but.. I guess he just got enough or something. How do I feel about this? Unsure. My brain has been wanting to take in a new system member, maybe to fill the void, or for some other reason. I've had a few thoughts back and forth, but I haven't made any decisions. It's a big thing to make a completely new tulpa, and with the kids still growing and learning, there's already a bit to do in here. With my interest in astral projection, even more so. I've previously stated that I've missed Alex from time to time. I will admit that I still do, but now I also miss other headmates. I believe that I took them for granted, and because I didn't give them enough attention or opportunities, they got bored out of their minds and left. However, I don't want to think that they're completely gone. I want to think that if I reach out to them and really focus on asking them to come back, I hope that they will. Delsin and Trevor I'm particularly upset about leaving. Amani too. I called the four of us "The Kragueshi Brothers", because that's how I felt about them. They were all my brothers and I really valued their opinions and support. Now that they're not here... It's a bit silent. given, I still have Stephen and the kiddos, but no one person can ever replace someone else. Everyone - tulpa or not - is unique, and they are irreplacable. I feel like I even sometimes miss Lucifer, even if he wasn't exactly the nicest person. He mostly just gave unnecessary critique or blatantly rude comments about the things that was happening in the moment, or about the things I did. Still, I think I kinda learned from it, in a weird kind of way. Okay, what else? I guess I'm mostly just rambling at this point. I haven't exactly had much sleep. I guess I could go over the list of system members I've almost had.
There might be more than the ones mentioned above, but these are the ones I've written down after getting the thoughts. Oh, I guess Aiden Pearce could be on that list as well, but not really. Who knows if he shows up eventually though, since I'm kinda lowkey replaying Watch Dogs. In my own time. I guess that's what I can come up with for now, so I might as well just end this blog here. If I come up with something else to say-- Yeah, you know the deal. I'll come back later and write my heart out again. Peace out and all that ✌️
15/3/2020 0 Comments Making amendsSo here's the thing.. A lot of things has happened in the system lately. Fucked up shit has happend, and it's been tearing at things. It's Taru here and I thought I might as well post this here instead of on my separate blog. Yes, I have another blog, but I won't link that here. Well, I might, but not right now. I don't feel that it's of importance to say exactly what happened. That's between my headmates and me. But I can say that it caused some of us to rethink things. Particularly me and Stephen. We both have been thinking deep and hard if we still want to keep working on our relationship, and if we really want to continue with our engagement. It's been going on for some time now, honestly. Back and forth, on and off.. We're kind of a mess as a couple actually. And because we've been thinking about things so much, we decided to send the puppies away on a trip together with Ounos. Somewhere in the mountains, I believe, but I'm not sure. This is their trip anyway, so I shouldn't be there to bother them. I'm sure they're doing great. Anyway, they left on Thursday morning, it's now Saturday night. We've had three days with just the two of us, and it's actually been pretty great. Not because we've been alone - I really miss my kids and I just wanna see them again and kiss them over and over and tell them how much I love them. No.. It's been great because we've had the space and opportunity to share a lot of honesty with each other. With the puppies around, it's always been the fear of "what if they hear?". So I guess we haven't really been able to talk with them around. Really talk. So, what we've found out is that despite everything, and despite borderline hating each other from time to time-- I've never hated you, Honeybee -S Despite barely being able to tolerate each other from time to time.. We've come to the conclusion that we want to stay together. For now. I have no idea what the future holds, but as of right now, the engagement holds. My feet are still cold, and so is his, even if he doesn't want to admit it. But I guess there's always been a few ideas for how a perfect wedding would look like.. Secondly.. And I'm not sure if I actually should say this, but.. You know what, I'll keep it a secret for now. A select few knows, but I'll keep it between me and Stu for now. Our secret. Maybe I'll tell later on when it's more relevant. I still have that other post to write, but I'll have to leave that for some other time. Once the pups are home again and things start going back to normal, I'll sit down and spend a few hours writing. And since they're starting to develop opinions, I'll probably let them join in. It's all about them, after all! So that's it for an update for now, but we'll come back later on if we come up with anything else that we wanna share. I have an idea for a new page for this site, so I might do that. But for now, I'm saying baibaii! Peace out ✌️So it's been about seven months since we posted here last. A lot of things have happened since then, both good and bad. A new theme on this site is one thing, but anyway. I'll spread this out over three separate posts, this one being the first. This is Taru writing, but others might come in to put their opinions on things as we go through this post. Without further ado and all that. Back in August, we were ten with me included. It was alright, but some of us thought it was pretty crowded. We managed to make it work in one way or another, but there was of course some arguments here and there. A few of us didn't agree about anything at all, and there was just this constant tension hanging in the air. Now as we've reached March, our number has gone down to five. It's somewhat more manageable within the system now, and not at all as much tension, if any, but I'm still a bit unsure how I feel about it. I guess I miss them. Some more than others, to tell the truth. For simplicity's sake, I'll put in a brief list of "before and after", so to speak.
And here comes the explanations. Hold on tight, because this is mostly me just ranting. Chesx is only more or less here. He's the daemon he's always been and makes himself remembered when the current fronter (me) are having a rough time. He's still a psychopath, but more silent now than he has been in the past. Probably because I feel better now, but who knows, really. Trevor is a question I don't have any answer for. He hasn't been very active from the start, but he's been a complete ray of sunshine. Always happy and always thinking on the bright side. I haven't heard from him in quite some time though, and I wonder if he's gone out on some kind of adventure. Maybe hiking in the mountians or exploring the forest. In any case, it's been silent on his side for about a month now. Lucifer is kind of the same case as Trevor. He wasn't very active from the start. However, when he did share his opinions, he wasn't very enthusiastic about it, and it seemed to me like he didn't even want to be here at all. Which makes me wonder why he decided to appear in the first place. But the devil does what the devil wants, I suppose. And who knows, maybe he'll show up again at a later point. Guess I'll have to be more welcoming toward him if that ever happens. Delsin is a bit of a special case that I'll go more into depth about later in this blog. And as for Alex.. Well, Alex is also a special case. But I blame myself for his disappearance. Okay, so.. A bit of a "what the fuck happened" section here. Well first of all, Stephen made an appearance. This was around August 10th last year, and what I didn't know back then is that I would completely fall for him like a rock into the ocean. If someone had told me, I would've said "no, that's impossible". But look at us now, engaged. And what more.. You noticed the little sneaky +7 up there? Yeah, those are our kids. And here's where shit goes down. See, I was in denial about being in love with Stephen for who knows how long. When I finally did realize, we were far too long gone to go back. The feelings were there and they were unlike anything I'd ever felt before. But as many people might know, I was also with Alex back then. He didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit, even if he was trying to hide it, and he did it damn well. I only know now because I've realized afterwards and I've noticed the signs. Memories are a good thing sometimes, but not always, ahem. Anyway, my feelings for Stephen grew, and because of both of our pasts, I developed a fear about all the possible things that might happen. Some might say that it's irrational, but it wasn't for me at the time. So I did everything in my might to make sure that I wouldn't lose him, despite what he might've thought about it. This led to me spending less time with any of the others, including Alex. Every minute of every day when I had free time on my hands, I would spend it with Stephen. Everything in my life was centered around him, and I became completely obsessed with him. I think it was self-indulged (you know what I mean), and it was probably 90% because of the fear. It wasn't healthy. It can't have been. Two months after our first meeting, on October 9th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Don't ask me how that works, because logic simply isn't a thing within the system. I can move a tree with just a flick of my finger, come on. Things doesn't work in here like they do on the outside. But anyway, I had a positive test and the anxiety only got worse from there. Lots and lots of arguments and nights of crying, but some weeks later, I said that Alex will have to know. I'd been having nightmares about how he would react. To my surprise and relief, he mostly shrugged his shoulders. The condition was that he gets in on the name suggestions, which I of course obliged to. Some more weeks later, it was time to tell the rest of the system. Trevor and Hamtaru was over the moon with happiness. A few hugs were shared and congratulations given. But not all of them joined in on the party. Delsin in particular seemed almost disgusted - probably by the fact that a pregnancy meant that we had previously been sleeping together. We never saw him again after that. The last thing I remember of him is an almost nauseous frown accompanied by the comment "Wait, so you two are-?". Yeah... Not long after that, when I was joking around with Stephen, Alex came up to me and exposed his heart to me. I'd known him for six months before that day, and never once had he opened up about what he truly felt. So this was a shock, and I was conflicted. He didn't say much, but the weight and meaning of his words was enough to crush. He asked me to run away with him and start anew, just the two of us. Did foolish little me shout "omg, yes, let's do it"? Of course not. The fear I had about losing Stephen was still there, and it tenfolded. From what I remember of that conversation, I hid behind my newfound love, and I told him "I can't". I couldn't because I was scared. And because I didn't say more, or maybe because I didn't sound confident enough, Alex left without a word. That was the last time I saw him. Over the next few months, I debated back and forth about this and that. Because of the lack of logic in mindspace, and because of my own doubts and beliefs, the child that was growing in my stomach wasn't just any child. It was a litter of direwolf puppies. After many ifs and buts, they arrived into the world in the early morning of January 4th. Ounos, Trevor and Amani have met them, but we've waited for Hamtaru to meet them, since they're the youngest, and we want everyone to be able to play fair, and we want to be able to supervise them during the entire time they're spending time together. It's kind of a worried and anxious parent thing. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Anyway, onwards. It was somewhere at the end of January that I last saw and heard from Trevor. He came by to say hi and snuggle the puppies, and as he left to do whatever he does in his free time, things got silent. And that's pretty much it. Since January, not much else have happened. Ounos is still my guardian, Hamtaru is still the bundle of energy they've always been, Amani is my brother, and Stephen is my fiancé that I have seven beautiful kids with. We got engaged on November 30th, in case you were wondering. I guess I forgot to mention that. Okay Stu, yes, I know it's kind of a crucial detail, but it got lost among all of the other things I wanted to say. It's there now though, alright. Happy? Yes, good, happy. I suppose that's all for this blog, but check back in shortly for two other upcoming blogs. Cheers, and have a good rest of your day12/8/2019 0 Comments ThoughtsAlright.. What do I want to write here..? Thoughts, emotions. Ranting is what I wish to do. Yes. This is Taru, making a post for no other reason than to rant and share some snippets. I've been confused lately. Being that I'm the most prominent one in the system, I front the most, and the others sometimes fade into the very back of my mind. If I concentrate and consciously make an attempt to contact them, they will respond, but if I just go on with my day as if nothing is wrong, they will usually stay quiet. This had led me to honestly question the plurality. There's the thoughts of "what if they were never there in the first place?" and "maybe thay don't actually exist, after all". And it makes me unhappy to have such thoughts. The headmates is happiness. They can make me happy in a way that no one else can, and they cure my loneliness on my darkest days. Amani in particular has been with me for a bit longer than the others, I think, and he has helped me to regain and keep my confidence and beliefs when it comes to the transitioning journey. He has been a shoulder to cry on, an object to rant out my frustrations to and simply just a companion during my hours alone in the apartment. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost that. Though I've been lonely for most of my life, these few months in light of plurality have been enough time that we've developed bonds. I see them as a family, and it would no longer be normal for me to not have them there at all times. But at the same time, it feels like Taboo to change or shift from using the display name Taruyison to using something linked to the system. It's a bundle of fear, uncertainty, distrust, worry and panic. I know that these feelings are not only my own, as I mostly only feel uncertain and self-conscious about it. It's collective thoughts from all of us that give enough fucks to care about what the world might think. Fear of questions.. I am in all honesty uncertain about where things will go from here. There's a story that will be told in a later post here on Taru Tulpae - a story that strengthens my will and wish to keep my internal family close for the rest of my existence. For now, I'll keep thinking. For now, this will be the ending of this post, and I or any of the others will come back with more content some other time. Hopefully something that will be more interesting, since this was just me pouring my thoughts into a digital media. Anyways, so long sukkahs x
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