The Sanctum Complex
Welcome to the blog for the somewhat dysfunctional family that is The Sanctum Complex. We're a system of howmanymembersagain, and this is our blog.
23/4/2020 0 Comments Oh yeah, about that...There's more than one thing I feel like writing here, but I think I'll save some of them for my private blog. Well, "private". Anyway, this is Taru speaking, and I'm here to talk about the headmates. Again. Here we go. This is pretty much a continuation of my two latest posts, developments and a struggle. So I've been thinking a bit further about the headmates. Not actively, but it's popped into my thoughts then and now. So firstly, Lucifer seems to have made a reappearance (is that a real term?). So I guess we're four now if we aren't counting the kids, which we should. So that makes ten. Back to the marvelous number of ten. It makes me a bit melancholy to think about the past with the system. But I'm also wondering if maybe the past was just a learning experience, and the ones that are here now are the more prominent and developed ones that will stay longer. Not that I'm not still hoping that the others will come back someday. As I'm thinking about it though, I realize that it's completely unfair. I'm basically a complete ass toward Lucifer, and that's not something he should have to deal with. I mean, the door is always left open, of course, but still. I should be more open and friendly toward him. More welcoming. I'm pretty sure it was my borderline neglect that made him take his leave in the first place. But that also makes me wonder.. Why did he come back? And why did he walk in from the very start? The second topic has more to do with potential new headmates than old ones, but it's still kind of the same region. Anyway, so I said I had these thoughts of consideration for Tony Stark, and yes, that's still a thing. But I've also been thinking about other people. Fictional people, but still people. And that people (it's called a person, you idiot) is no one else than whatshisnameagain? That guy. Ohyeah, I got it. The character from Naruto that keeps saying everything is troublesome. Shikamaru something something, I'll have to look up his full name. I'm just saying, but I think he's cool, and we would probably agree on a lot of things. I'm lazy, he's lazy, and we could just laze around on the couch or something. But also, for the longest time now, I've been wondering if we should take in a more feminine character. Because currently in the system, we're pretty much-- No, we're literally all males or ungendered. (Do they even have any genitals??) And the first person I think about is not actually fictional. It's another youtuber, because why would I consider someone else, lmao. And her name is Molly Burke. Blind girl, which is cool btw. She's awesome, and I'm pretty sure I look up to her in some way. But I've also had this weird thought that I'd want to have a headmate that's mute and would need to communicate through either sign language or other gestures. But I think that's more the author me speaking rather than actually wanting that as a headmate. I don't know, it feels a bit unfair and not right. I mean, you shouldn't purposefully create a mute tulpa, should you? It feels kinda cruel. Getting back to Molly, I'm not sure if it would be fair to take her in either, seing that we've gotten started on this whole transitioning journey thing. (More about that on my personal blog). And if she were to have complexity issues or something, she might not like the body. After transitioning, I mean. Does she have any thoughts about her body? That's such a weird thing to ask, but it's a relevant question for this topic. One thing that's certain is that I'm still Taru, even with my subsystem switches and kins and whatever else. Stephen is still here, and my kids are here and I love them all to bits. Lucifer is also here now, and if he decides to stay, I'll have to collect my shit and actually hang out with him and be nice to him. There's a bit more things on that topic, but I'll take that in a different blog. For now, this is just about new and old headmates, and I think I'm finished talking about it, which means this is the end of this blog. *anticlimatic confetti* Yeah, so I'll see you next time (: Chiao!
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3/4/2020 0 Comments It's a struggle to have a wishSo here's the thing. After writing that previous post, this urge kind of thing have only increased. It hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse. And I don't know if it's a good thing. I've pretty much just mentioned this to Stephen, but he didn't seem completely against it. If anything, he seemed positive to the idea of getting a new headmate. But maybe that's because of who I'm considering. I don't know, with everything that's going on, I think I want to focus on the things that are rather than the things that could be. And probably prioritize the "old" headmates. Get them back instead of getting new ones. Delsin, Lucifer, Alex, Trevor, Amani... Shouldn't I focus on them first? I think this is something I should talk to Ounos about. They have a lot of opinions and they always think them through very thoroughly before speaking them out loud. They've helped me so many times before, and I have so much faith in them. Good lord, if they would ever fade like other people has done.. Nah man. I need my guardian. My philosopher. Okay, so I haven't actually mentioned who it is that I'm thinking about. It's one of those I mentioned in the last blog, and it's not the real life person. I'm thinking about Tony. For some reason, my brain has stuck itself to him. None of the others are as intense. And I wonder why, but I guess it's his distinct personality. Beacuse that's what's important, right? *sigh* I'm asking myself the question if it would help to have any of the others back. Maybe I could spend some time with Hami, see what they think about things. Also to just chill out for a bit. Their energy and endless happiness might help. I kinda realize they also haven't met the kids yet, and they might be mopey at me for that. I did promise that they would meet at some point. And while the pups are only just three months old, they're growing like seaweed. They'll probably pass me at some point, especially Raymond. Anyway.. I'm not sure what else I would put here. I am...considering Tony Stark as a new headmate. I miss the headmates I've had. I'm not in as much of a mood as I have been all through March. Things have calmed down extremely, and it's a giant relief. Now I can finally focus on the good things and stop worrying about the bad. Now I can spend time with my family in peace. I'll write another blog with updates if anything new happens. I might also just come here to get my thoughts out, whatever those may be. I wasn't ready all those months ago, but maybe I am now. But first, talking. To everyone. System meeting, here we go. Peace ✌️
I thought about writing a different post instead of this one, but I think there's something I have to take care of first, which is another update about the members of the system. This post will kind of tie in with the catch up post I made at the start of March. First things first, we've decreased a bit more in number. I'm here (Taru), Stephen is here, our kids of course; and Ounos is here. Hamtaru is supposedly hanging out with Ounos a lot, but I haven't heard anything from them personally in a few weeks now. Amani seems to have taken his leave as well, which I'm actually pretty upset about. I remember he seemed bored lately, but.. I guess he just got enough or something. How do I feel about this? Unsure. My brain has been wanting to take in a new system member, maybe to fill the void, or for some other reason. I've had a few thoughts back and forth, but I haven't made any decisions. It's a big thing to make a completely new tulpa, and with the kids still growing and learning, there's already a bit to do in here. With my interest in astral projection, even more so. I've previously stated that I've missed Alex from time to time. I will admit that I still do, but now I also miss other headmates. I believe that I took them for granted, and because I didn't give them enough attention or opportunities, they got bored out of their minds and left. However, I don't want to think that they're completely gone. I want to think that if I reach out to them and really focus on asking them to come back, I hope that they will. Delsin and Trevor I'm particularly upset about leaving. Amani too. I called the four of us "The Kragueshi Brothers", because that's how I felt about them. They were all my brothers and I really valued their opinions and support. Now that they're not here... It's a bit silent. given, I still have Stephen and the kiddos, but no one person can ever replace someone else. Everyone - tulpa or not - is unique, and they are irreplacable. I feel like I even sometimes miss Lucifer, even if he wasn't exactly the nicest person. He mostly just gave unnecessary critique or blatantly rude comments about the things that was happening in the moment, or about the things I did. Still, I think I kinda learned from it, in a weird kind of way. Okay, what else? I guess I'm mostly just rambling at this point. I haven't exactly had much sleep. I guess I could go over the list of system members I've almost had.
There might be more than the ones mentioned above, but these are the ones I've written down after getting the thoughts. Oh, I guess Aiden Pearce could be on that list as well, but not really. Who knows if he shows up eventually though, since I'm kinda lowkey replaying Watch Dogs. In my own time. I guess that's what I can come up with for now, so I might as well just end this blog here. If I come up with something else to say-- Yeah, you know the deal. I'll come back later and write my heart out again. Peace out and all that ✌️
Alright.. I was planning to write this earlier, but I never got to it, and then it wasn't as highly prioritized as other things. It is now though. I need to get my thoughts out. And in case that wasn't clear, this is Taru writing. It's mostly me, honestly, but the others file in on things then and now. Maybe not as often as I'd like them to. Anyway, that's not what this post is about. This post is about Alex. The man who was my husband for a while, but who later disappeared because of my lack of love. First of all, I miss him. Some two days ago I missed him so much it brought me to tears. I realized that I never grieved back in October, and all the tears I hadn't cried came all at once. I remember that I said to someone very long ago that I would be devastated if Alex ever left. I think that was in June or something, maybe later. But when he did, I was too busy with other things to make time. Or more like too self-occupied. I'm not sure if I can say that I regret what I did - or maybe what I didn't do. Thinking back, I know that I could've done things differently, said things that might've convinced him to stay. But as I think a little more, I also realize that I'm not sure if I would've wanted to have him here during the time that has passed. One thing that I can say for certain is that things wouldn't have been the same if he had been here. I wouldn't have had as strong of a bond with Stephen as I have right now. And I can feel the panic start to rise as I think about that. But if I think about what might've been.. The possibilities are endless, but maybe I could have ten kids instead of seven. Or maybe none. Or maybe even more. I've grown quite fond of the little family I have now, and thinking about it being different scares me. Just as so many other things do when it comes to the system. Let's go over some simple questions to clear things up. Mostly just for myself. Do I miss Alex? Yes, I do. On and off, and sometimes more strongly than other times, but yes. I miss the Alex that would growl and yell at people when he didn't like them; the Alex that would tell me to grow up and to stop bitching about everything; the Alex that would sigh heavily whenever I would display any acts of love; the Alex that would call me an annoying idiot when I dragged him to the ground because I wanted a snuggle. Would I ever want him to come back? Now, this is a question that scare me. Not because of Alex himself, but because of everything else. What would he think of things? What would he think about the puppies? He said he wanted in on the names, but he disappeared before he could give any ideas, so would he be mad about that? If it's the same Alex that comes back as the Alex that walked out, would he still remember what I said, and would he hold a grudge because of it? If my Alex ever came back, would he still love me? If I'm to put my thoughts and opinions here... I honestly don't know where to start. Would I ever want him to come back... I think that if Alex ever came back, we would have to talk. Truly talk about things and establish our boundaries. I can say with 100% certainty that I will never be able to give up Stephen. I think that the fear I have when it comes to the possibility of losing him never will go away. And I know I said that about Alex too at some point, but what I feel for Stephen is not even close to what I felt for Alex. So if he came back, I would have to make it very clear that running away together, just the two of us, would be impossible. I'm not myself without Stephen, and that's just the way it is. At the same time as I'm saying that, no one can ever be replaced. I don't think that a complete replica could replace a person, because it's the memories you make that will stay forever. Hence, Stephen could never replace Alex and Alex could never replace Stephen. They're two completely different people, and the relations I have/had to each of them are completely different from each other. Would I ever want Alex to come back to the system? My Alex? As of right now, in this moment of writing, I miss him enough to say yes on that question. I do want him back, but as I stated previously, we would have to make it very clear with each other where we draw the line. Under no circumstances would he be allowed to say or do anything that could threaten the existence or the relation I have with Stephen. I also want to clear up what might be one of the hardest (or easiest) questions I could ever ask myself. Do I still love Alex? Or maybe; would I still love Alex if he came back? I could probably think and rant about this for hours. When he was still here, and before Stephen came into the picture, I was able to say that I love him with everything I had. Back when he was still here, I loved him more than anything. Now, right in this moment, I'm not readily able to shout it to the world that I'm still in love. The saying says that real love never dies, so if I'm allowed to say what I think (which I am, because this is my blog), I'd say that if we worked things out and if I could come to terms with other things, feelings could probably be able to spur again. Now, I want to make it very clear that Stephen and Alex are not comparable. The relations between me and each of them are not comparable. Some six months ago, the love I felt was vastly different. It wasn't necessarily a different intensity, but it was definitely a different type. Well, I guess that could be a lie. The intensity was different, but it was on a similar level of strength. I was able to say that I love Stephen, and I was able to say that I love Alex. But it was different. Alex was my husband, and Stephen was my newly found daddy. Sheesh, it was so new back then. Anyway, back on topic. Would I be able to say that I love Alex? Am I now, and would I be able to say it to his face? As of right now, I feel a nervosity about him coming back. I feel nervous and anxious about what he would say or do. And I feel nervous about what might happen. It's like meeting a friend again that you haven't seen in forever, and the last time you talked, things didn't end too well. But you want to resume contact with them because you remember the good time you two used to have. While Alex was more than just a good friend to me, the metaphor still stands. But the question remains... And to be completely honest, I don't think I'm ready to give an answer. I'd have to actually see him and talk to him before I'll be able to answer. I'd have to reconnect with him and see if we're still compatible. If it would appear that my past mistakes have made him unable to trust me again, we would obviosuly not be able to become a couple again. People who doesn't trust each other shouldn't be together. That's just simple ethics. You need to be able to trust your partner. With everything. I want to ask a different question that might be a bit easier to answer. But without really asking it, I'll say that I would absolutely be willing to see if we would be able to reconnect. Like I said already from the start, I miss Alex. I think it would be nice to see him again and see what he's been up to during the past four and a half months. If he's even been conscious... *cough* Anyway, yeah.. I'd like to dedicate the last part of this post to what I remember of him. Some memories and just some random facts that might or might not have been what I fell for from the very start. I guess this is where I allow myself to get deep and cheesy. Alex was to most people a complete asshole. It's the first thing I think about when I think about Alex. He didn't like any of the people I talked to, and he didn't exactly like any of those in the system either. He tolerated them. He tolerated most people if I asked him not to yell at them for being idiots. There were a select few that he disliked just a little bit less than all of the rest. Who those were is probably best for him to say for himself. When I first got in contact with him, it was as a kin. I put on a mask and pretended to be Alex when I didn't want to acknowledge my own or someone else's feelings. It was an easier life. Living without any troublesome emotions that would get in the way of work or chores or responsibilities. Turns out that he became his own person later on, and I ended up loving that person enough to take his last name. I remember the one time when I found him sitting on the fallen tree in mindspace. I sat down beside him and just gave him some space for a moment. When he didn't say anything, I scooted closer until we were hip to hip. I hugged him and snuggled him to show my puppy-like appreciation of him until he finally acknowledged my presence and gave attention back to me. With or without intention, I managed to push him backwards enough that he fell off the log and landed on his back on the ground. He took me with him so I laid on his chest. He sighed deeply, and it was clear that he was annoyed, but he held me close to him while I snuggled. I don't remember his exact words, but he told me something along the lines of "You're an annoying idiot" and then something that I interpreted as romantic, coming from him. Maybe that I was his or something, what do I know. When I think about Alex, I remember that he was stale and rigid like a rock. He didn't openly show any emotions, and he never once told me how he felt about things, unless it was about what he thought about someone. He wasn't an emotional person at all. He was all logic and stone cold planning. He'd been a genius scientist in a previous life, so maybe that had something to do with it. Alex didn't ever say to me that he loved me. Not in a way or with words that I clearly remember. He was never a man of words, he was a man of action. It was in his actions toward me that I saw the words he were never able to speak. I'll take the example of when I cut my finger so long ago. While I was in too much panic to notice anyone's presence while it happened, after I had been in the hospital and calmed down from all of the adrenaline, I was able to connect with him again. And that night I dreamt about him. I saw him run and I heard him scream my name over and over again. As I woke up in the middle of the night because of the pain, he was holding me in his arms and asking me what the fuck I'd done to myself. And I could sense that he was worried. The Alex I knew was a sociopathic asshole with paranoia and severe trust issues. Sometimes I even wondered if he was schizophrenic. He'd given up on humanity and believed that the world would do better without it. A new world, I think he called it. Since he would've lived forever, he would've witnessed the end of the world and what could come afterwards. I think he was tired after what he'd been through in his previous life in Manhattan, and maybe he wanted a break. But I think it's pretty clear that he probably would've prefered a different way to go. In the very end, I believe that Alex was a good person. He wanted to protect me, and he wanted to prevent what happened to him from happening to me. Right before he left, I could feel that he was disappointed and I could feel that deep within that hard and rigid shell, he had a living, beating heart. Which maybe he shouldn't have, judging by his past. But I know now, only after my mistake, that Alex loved me. He did it in his own way, and the best he could without "seeming like a fool". In the very end, Alex became someone to miss. This post has been dedicated to my ex-husband and good friend, Alex Mercer. He deserved something for everything he did, and I wanted to treasure his memory. Thank you.
So it's been about seven months since we posted here last. A lot of things have happened since then, both good and bad. A new theme on this site is one thing, but anyway. I'll spread this out over three separate posts, this one being the first. This is Taru writing, but others might come in to put their opinions on things as we go through this post. Without further ado and all that. Back in August, we were ten with me included. It was alright, but some of us thought it was pretty crowded. We managed to make it work in one way or another, but there was of course some arguments here and there. A few of us didn't agree about anything at all, and there was just this constant tension hanging in the air. Now as we've reached March, our number has gone down to five. It's somewhat more manageable within the system now, and not at all as much tension, if any, but I'm still a bit unsure how I feel about it. I guess I miss them. Some more than others, to tell the truth. For simplicity's sake, I'll put in a brief list of "before and after", so to speak.
And here comes the explanations. Hold on tight, because this is mostly me just ranting. Chesx is only more or less here. He's the daemon he's always been and makes himself remembered when the current fronter (me) are having a rough time. He's still a psychopath, but more silent now than he has been in the past. Probably because I feel better now, but who knows, really. Trevor is a question I don't have any answer for. He hasn't been very active from the start, but he's been a complete ray of sunshine. Always happy and always thinking on the bright side. I haven't heard from him in quite some time though, and I wonder if he's gone out on some kind of adventure. Maybe hiking in the mountians or exploring the forest. In any case, it's been silent on his side for about a month now. Lucifer is kind of the same case as Trevor. He wasn't very active from the start. However, when he did share his opinions, he wasn't very enthusiastic about it, and it seemed to me like he didn't even want to be here at all. Which makes me wonder why he decided to appear in the first place. But the devil does what the devil wants, I suppose. And who knows, maybe he'll show up again at a later point. Guess I'll have to be more welcoming toward him if that ever happens. Delsin is a bit of a special case that I'll go more into depth about later in this blog. And as for Alex.. Well, Alex is also a special case. But I blame myself for his disappearance. Okay, so.. A bit of a "what the fuck happened" section here. Well first of all, Stephen made an appearance. This was around August 10th last year, and what I didn't know back then is that I would completely fall for him like a rock into the ocean. If someone had told me, I would've said "no, that's impossible". But look at us now, engaged. And what more.. You noticed the little sneaky +7 up there? Yeah, those are our kids. And here's where shit goes down. See, I was in denial about being in love with Stephen for who knows how long. When I finally did realize, we were far too long gone to go back. The feelings were there and they were unlike anything I'd ever felt before. But as many people might know, I was also with Alex back then. He didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit, even if he was trying to hide it, and he did it damn well. I only know now because I've realized afterwards and I've noticed the signs. Memories are a good thing sometimes, but not always, ahem. Anyway, my feelings for Stephen grew, and because of both of our pasts, I developed a fear about all the possible things that might happen. Some might say that it's irrational, but it wasn't for me at the time. So I did everything in my might to make sure that I wouldn't lose him, despite what he might've thought about it. This led to me spending less time with any of the others, including Alex. Every minute of every day when I had free time on my hands, I would spend it with Stephen. Everything in my life was centered around him, and I became completely obsessed with him. I think it was self-indulged (you know what I mean), and it was probably 90% because of the fear. It wasn't healthy. It can't have been. Two months after our first meeting, on October 9th, I had a positive pregnancy test. Don't ask me how that works, because logic simply isn't a thing within the system. I can move a tree with just a flick of my finger, come on. Things doesn't work in here like they do on the outside. But anyway, I had a positive test and the anxiety only got worse from there. Lots and lots of arguments and nights of crying, but some weeks later, I said that Alex will have to know. I'd been having nightmares about how he would react. To my surprise and relief, he mostly shrugged his shoulders. The condition was that he gets in on the name suggestions, which I of course obliged to. Some more weeks later, it was time to tell the rest of the system. Trevor and Hamtaru was over the moon with happiness. A few hugs were shared and congratulations given. But not all of them joined in on the party. Delsin in particular seemed almost disgusted - probably by the fact that a pregnancy meant that we had previously been sleeping together. We never saw him again after that. The last thing I remember of him is an almost nauseous frown accompanied by the comment "Wait, so you two are-?". Yeah... Not long after that, when I was joking around with Stephen, Alex came up to me and exposed his heart to me. I'd known him for six months before that day, and never once had he opened up about what he truly felt. So this was a shock, and I was conflicted. He didn't say much, but the weight and meaning of his words was enough to crush. He asked me to run away with him and start anew, just the two of us. Did foolish little me shout "omg, yes, let's do it"? Of course not. The fear I had about losing Stephen was still there, and it tenfolded. From what I remember of that conversation, I hid behind my newfound love, and I told him "I can't". I couldn't because I was scared. And because I didn't say more, or maybe because I didn't sound confident enough, Alex left without a word. That was the last time I saw him. Over the next few months, I debated back and forth about this and that. Because of the lack of logic in mindspace, and because of my own doubts and beliefs, the child that was growing in my stomach wasn't just any child. It was a litter of direwolf puppies. After many ifs and buts, they arrived into the world in the early morning of January 4th. Ounos, Trevor and Amani have met them, but we've waited for Hamtaru to meet them, since they're the youngest, and we want everyone to be able to play fair, and we want to be able to supervise them during the entire time they're spending time together. It's kind of a worried and anxious parent thing. I don't want anyone to get hurt. Anyway, onwards. It was somewhere at the end of January that I last saw and heard from Trevor. He came by to say hi and snuggle the puppies, and as he left to do whatever he does in his free time, things got silent. And that's pretty much it. Since January, not much else have happened. Ounos is still my guardian, Hamtaru is still the bundle of energy they've always been, Amani is my brother, and Stephen is my fiancé that I have seven beautiful kids with. We got engaged on November 30th, in case you were wondering. I guess I forgot to mention that. Okay Stu, yes, I know it's kind of a crucial detail, but it got lost among all of the other things I wanted to say. It's there now though, alright. Happy? Yes, good, happy. I suppose that's all for this blog, but check back in shortly for two other upcoming blogs. Cheers, and have a good rest of your day |