The Sanctum Complex
Welcome to the blog for the somewhat dysfunctional family that is The Sanctum Complex. We're a system of howmanymembersagain, and this is our blog.
Alright.. I was planning to write this earlier, but I never got to it, and then it wasn't as highly prioritized as other things. It is now though. I need to get my thoughts out. And in case that wasn't clear, this is Taru writing. It's mostly me, honestly, but the others file in on things then and now. Maybe not as often as I'd like them to. Anyway, that's not what this post is about. This post is about Alex. The man who was my husband for a while, but who later disappeared because of my lack of love. First of all, I miss him. Some two days ago I missed him so much it brought me to tears. I realized that I never grieved back in October, and all the tears I hadn't cried came all at once. I remember that I said to someone very long ago that I would be devastated if Alex ever left. I think that was in June or something, maybe later. But when he did, I was too busy with other things to make time. Or more like too self-occupied. I'm not sure if I can say that I regret what I did - or maybe what I didn't do. Thinking back, I know that I could've done things differently, said things that might've convinced him to stay. But as I think a little more, I also realize that I'm not sure if I would've wanted to have him here during the time that has passed. One thing that I can say for certain is that things wouldn't have been the same if he had been here. I wouldn't have had as strong of a bond with Stephen as I have right now. And I can feel the panic start to rise as I think about that. But if I think about what might've been.. The possibilities are endless, but maybe I could have ten kids instead of seven. Or maybe none. Or maybe even more. I've grown quite fond of the little family I have now, and thinking about it being different scares me. Just as so many other things do when it comes to the system. Let's go over some simple questions to clear things up. Mostly just for myself. Do I miss Alex? Yes, I do. On and off, and sometimes more strongly than other times, but yes. I miss the Alex that would growl and yell at people when he didn't like them; the Alex that would tell me to grow up and to stop bitching about everything; the Alex that would sigh heavily whenever I would display any acts of love; the Alex that would call me an annoying idiot when I dragged him to the ground because I wanted a snuggle. Would I ever want him to come back? Now, this is a question that scare me. Not because of Alex himself, but because of everything else. What would he think of things? What would he think about the puppies? He said he wanted in on the names, but he disappeared before he could give any ideas, so would he be mad about that? If it's the same Alex that comes back as the Alex that walked out, would he still remember what I said, and would he hold a grudge because of it? If my Alex ever came back, would he still love me? If I'm to put my thoughts and opinions here... I honestly don't know where to start. Would I ever want him to come back... I think that if Alex ever came back, we would have to talk. Truly talk about things and establish our boundaries. I can say with 100% certainty that I will never be able to give up Stephen. I think that the fear I have when it comes to the possibility of losing him never will go away. And I know I said that about Alex too at some point, but what I feel for Stephen is not even close to what I felt for Alex. So if he came back, I would have to make it very clear that running away together, just the two of us, would be impossible. I'm not myself without Stephen, and that's just the way it is. At the same time as I'm saying that, no one can ever be replaced. I don't think that a complete replica could replace a person, because it's the memories you make that will stay forever. Hence, Stephen could never replace Alex and Alex could never replace Stephen. They're two completely different people, and the relations I have/had to each of them are completely different from each other. Would I ever want Alex to come back to the system? My Alex? As of right now, in this moment of writing, I miss him enough to say yes on that question. I do want him back, but as I stated previously, we would have to make it very clear with each other where we draw the line. Under no circumstances would he be allowed to say or do anything that could threaten the existence or the relation I have with Stephen. I also want to clear up what might be one of the hardest (or easiest) questions I could ever ask myself. Do I still love Alex? Or maybe; would I still love Alex if he came back? I could probably think and rant about this for hours. When he was still here, and before Stephen came into the picture, I was able to say that I love him with everything I had. Back when he was still here, I loved him more than anything. Now, right in this moment, I'm not readily able to shout it to the world that I'm still in love. The saying says that real love never dies, so if I'm allowed to say what I think (which I am, because this is my blog), I'd say that if we worked things out and if I could come to terms with other things, feelings could probably be able to spur again. Now, I want to make it very clear that Stephen and Alex are not comparable. The relations between me and each of them are not comparable. Some six months ago, the love I felt was vastly different. It wasn't necessarily a different intensity, but it was definitely a different type. Well, I guess that could be a lie. The intensity was different, but it was on a similar level of strength. I was able to say that I love Stephen, and I was able to say that I love Alex. But it was different. Alex was my husband, and Stephen was my newly found daddy. Sheesh, it was so new back then. Anyway, back on topic. Would I be able to say that I love Alex? Am I now, and would I be able to say it to his face? As of right now, I feel a nervosity about him coming back. I feel nervous and anxious about what he would say or do. And I feel nervous about what might happen. It's like meeting a friend again that you haven't seen in forever, and the last time you talked, things didn't end too well. But you want to resume contact with them because you remember the good time you two used to have. While Alex was more than just a good friend to me, the metaphor still stands. But the question remains... And to be completely honest, I don't think I'm ready to give an answer. I'd have to actually see him and talk to him before I'll be able to answer. I'd have to reconnect with him and see if we're still compatible. If it would appear that my past mistakes have made him unable to trust me again, we would obviosuly not be able to become a couple again. People who doesn't trust each other shouldn't be together. That's just simple ethics. You need to be able to trust your partner. With everything. I want to ask a different question that might be a bit easier to answer. But without really asking it, I'll say that I would absolutely be willing to see if we would be able to reconnect. Like I said already from the start, I miss Alex. I think it would be nice to see him again and see what he's been up to during the past four and a half months. If he's even been conscious... *cough* Anyway, yeah.. I'd like to dedicate the last part of this post to what I remember of him. Some memories and just some random facts that might or might not have been what I fell for from the very start. I guess this is where I allow myself to get deep and cheesy. Alex was to most people a complete asshole. It's the first thing I think about when I think about Alex. He didn't like any of the people I talked to, and he didn't exactly like any of those in the system either. He tolerated them. He tolerated most people if I asked him not to yell at them for being idiots. There were a select few that he disliked just a little bit less than all of the rest. Who those were is probably best for him to say for himself. When I first got in contact with him, it was as a kin. I put on a mask and pretended to be Alex when I didn't want to acknowledge my own or someone else's feelings. It was an easier life. Living without any troublesome emotions that would get in the way of work or chores or responsibilities. Turns out that he became his own person later on, and I ended up loving that person enough to take his last name. I remember the one time when I found him sitting on the fallen tree in mindspace. I sat down beside him and just gave him some space for a moment. When he didn't say anything, I scooted closer until we were hip to hip. I hugged him and snuggled him to show my puppy-like appreciation of him until he finally acknowledged my presence and gave attention back to me. With or without intention, I managed to push him backwards enough that he fell off the log and landed on his back on the ground. He took me with him so I laid on his chest. He sighed deeply, and it was clear that he was annoyed, but he held me close to him while I snuggled. I don't remember his exact words, but he told me something along the lines of "You're an annoying idiot" and then something that I interpreted as romantic, coming from him. Maybe that I was his or something, what do I know. When I think about Alex, I remember that he was stale and rigid like a rock. He didn't openly show any emotions, and he never once told me how he felt about things, unless it was about what he thought about someone. He wasn't an emotional person at all. He was all logic and stone cold planning. He'd been a genius scientist in a previous life, so maybe that had something to do with it. Alex didn't ever say to me that he loved me. Not in a way or with words that I clearly remember. He was never a man of words, he was a man of action. It was in his actions toward me that I saw the words he were never able to speak. I'll take the example of when I cut my finger so long ago. While I was in too much panic to notice anyone's presence while it happened, after I had been in the hospital and calmed down from all of the adrenaline, I was able to connect with him again. And that night I dreamt about him. I saw him run and I heard him scream my name over and over again. As I woke up in the middle of the night because of the pain, he was holding me in his arms and asking me what the fuck I'd done to myself. And I could sense that he was worried. The Alex I knew was a sociopathic asshole with paranoia and severe trust issues. Sometimes I even wondered if he was schizophrenic. He'd given up on humanity and believed that the world would do better without it. A new world, I think he called it. Since he would've lived forever, he would've witnessed the end of the world and what could come afterwards. I think he was tired after what he'd been through in his previous life in Manhattan, and maybe he wanted a break. But I think it's pretty clear that he probably would've prefered a different way to go. In the very end, I believe that Alex was a good person. He wanted to protect me, and he wanted to prevent what happened to him from happening to me. Right before he left, I could feel that he was disappointed and I could feel that deep within that hard and rigid shell, he had a living, beating heart. Which maybe he shouldn't have, judging by his past. But I know now, only after my mistake, that Alex loved me. He did it in his own way, and the best he could without "seeming like a fool". In the very end, Alex became someone to miss. This post has been dedicated to my ex-husband and good friend, Alex Mercer. He deserved something for everything he did, and I wanted to treasure his memory. Thank you.
0 Comments
|